"Trust Issues" Reflection

I watched a sermon last night titled "Trust Issues" by Jerry Flowers. How many of us have them? I can definitely say that I have my share. I know that I'm not alone when I disclose that I've been through a lot in the last 27 years such as: verbal and physical abuse, unwanted sexual contact, homelessness, defamation of character, unemployment, manipulation, depression, anxiety, and self-hate. Simply stated, I have reasons... multiple reasons for the trust issues.

The message was pulled from Genesis 29 & 35:16-18. He posed the following questions:

"What happens when God doesn't give you what you want (Rachel) and you keep getting Leah?"

"What if the blessing was Leah; because it was God's will?"

"How many things are you working hard for, but have not asked if it was God's will for you?"

The questions alone brought eye-opening revelation as I began to reflect on my life and prayers. To each their own. In the first two questions, I can easily use marriage as the example. What happens when God doesn't give me the marriage that I desire; and I remain single? Let's rewind - love is a choice; and marriage on most occasions is a choice aside from shotgun weddings and arranged marriages. On a personal note; I've had 4 men to tell me "I'm your husband. You're my wife. God told me." TRUST ISSUES. Each time, I was in difficult situations and those words didn't sit well with my spirit. I objected and removed myself. It could have been self-sabotage but at the same time, I believe I dodged multiple bullets. Believe it or not, I'm a handful, super lovable yet very direct.  What happens to me? I pray, declare the word (any and every scripture pertaining to marriage and singleness), and ask questions including time frames. I cry as often as I need to in my secret place. Finally, I get up and keep it moving. I'm not perfect nor am I required to be.

What if the blessing is singleness; because it's God's will for me? Do I desire to be single my entire life? Absolutely not; however, I have noticed that I'm more focused without a man to distract me. I do what I love: stage plays, beach explorations, movies, museums, gyms, paint, write, educate myself, experiment, and volunteer. I get things done: projects, books, and writing. Though I long for marriage, companionship, and all the sex that comes with it; I can now honestly say that singleness is a blessing, I have peace and stability. I am responsible for no one but myself. I set my own schedule and can come and go as I please. When I want to be alone, I can be alone. I am most thankful for my peace; the blessing above blessings!.

As I reflected on the final question, I realized that the house I intended to obtain this year - before Covid-19 sent us into economic decline and quarantine - may be more of my own will instead of God's. Though all things are possible, it may not be wise for me during this time especially as a first-time home buyer. May I hear Him and receive the message loud and clear.

Can you trust God to supply all of your needs? Can you trust Him for abundance in the face of lack? Can you trust Him for what is best? Aside from hugs and kisses everyday; my needs have been met. I pray the same for you even if you have to dig a little deeper ;)

Be Blessed Sisters and Brothers!.

-- Royale

Trust Issues | Try Me | Pt. 1