Dear Beautiful 2:1

 

Dear Beautiful,

I know that it's been quite a while, 5 months to be exact. I had to make transitions, learn a few lessons, take a few L's, let some things go, and evolve as a person. Life has been far from easy in 2021. It is as though from October 2020 to June 2021, I was trapped in a nightmare that I could not awake from. 

Life doesn't wait on you to figure things out. Time continues to move. The sun arises in the early morning and sets in the lowly evening or afternoon depending on the season.

Just because a door opens does not mean that the door is of God. Discernment is important, but when we choose to actively pursue without acknowledging our guts, intuitions, spirits, and/or God, we can fall victim to deception. This is exactly what happened to me. Many others have already gone through this in life and have either learned or continuously repeated the same exact scenario with new individuals. Let's learn the first time around, ok, lol.

1 Corinthians 15:33 NIV states, "Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” Let me break this aaaaaall the way down for you. Whoever and whatever we associate with and spend time with will influence us to some degree. It is crucial that we take caution when forming new relationships, as some will make even the strongest believers waver in their faith. 

For example, let's say someone uses profanity majority of the time when describing their day, work, or lovers. Eventually, it becomes normal to us. These words become part of our thoughts and sooner or later ease out verbally through our lips. The same goes for bad eating habits, perverted conversations, watching porn and questionable content on YouTube or television, hearing gossip, being introduced to get rich quick schemes, and taking dating advice from the wrong provocative sources. Each time, we compromise a little more until it no longer seems wrong; it seems right and justifiable. 

This applies to every age, gender, and race. We must be mindful of who we allow to influence us, our thoughts, beliefs, habits, and lives. We all want to be accepted, right? What happens when we go to far to be "accepted" and rid ourselves of our own morals, wisdom gained along the way, and judgement? We become corrupt and make mistakes with some regrets along the way. Examples could include: an illegitimate child or worse a miscarriage or abortion though you desired a family unit with a husband/wife and property, divorce, loss of income or stability, failed relationships, failed business ventures, STDs/HIV, drug addiction, prostitution, domestic violence, jail time, death of a loved one, or death of self. Majority of people recover, but still many do not as they were sold a dream, a lie, an illusion. 

As I stated in the beginning, it was as though from October 2020 to June 2021, I was trapped in a nightmare that I could not awake from. What happened to me exactly? I was on an unstable foundation made of sand instead of the solid rock. I entertained men that should not have ever had access to me. I wanted love… affection… commitment… I overlooked every single red flag imaginable. I adopted the habits that they desired of me, because I wanted to be the best possible wife. I reduced my prayer and study time to catch up on content that would help me become a better woman for the man I desired. I wanted to please. 

I was convinced to take a leap of "faith" in my career after inquiring. Though there was doubt, I took it and walked through 6 months of hell. These 6 months produced nonstop weekly panic attacks, headaches, nausea, pain, irritation, confusion, runarounds, and spiritual attacks. I wanted to kill myself. I hated waking up to face another day of bs ahead. I hated nearly every part of the journey aside from a few interactions and reporting. What made it even worse was that the man who professed his love again, then convinced me to take the leap was removed from my life and a replacement came in.

Did I feel as though God was walking with me during this season? Absolutely not. I felt sick majority of the time and like my head was going to explode. I felt as though God had forgotten me or that I was facing the consequences for ignoring all of the red flags along the way… There were times I would pose questions; however, and get answers so He was there. I suppose He never really left, but the fire was on high most definitely.  I recognized and accepted that the role and everything associated with it was not my calling. I was thankful for the opportunity, but things were not getting better for my mental health specifically (anxiety), so I decided to resign and submit a 30-day resignation letter after having a very transparent conversation with management.

During this time, I was prescribed medication for the anxiety. I suffered a great deal and dwelled on overdosing. After I resigned, I was at peace for awhile, but when I relapsed nearly a month later, I took a pill and the side effects were awful!. My head was in sooooo much pain for 8 days on and off and I felt like -ish. Forget the overdosing if it brings forth more pain. Eventually, I got rid of the supply and did not consume another.

You're probably wondering if I sought therapy. I did.  I'm actually still going to therapy to resolve underlying issues. 

Soo, what did last season teach me?

1. Just because a door opens does not mean you need to walk through it. Discernment is soooo important, so ask God to sharpen yours. Do not ignore the red flags, because it will cost you in the long run.

2. As scripture reads, "… lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV

3. Don’t compromise for people who will not even commit. (relationally or professionally)

4. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right. Take caution and seek clarity. 

5. "To thine own self, be true." - William Shakespeare

6. Leadership truly matters. Everything trickles down from there.  (relationally or professionally)

7. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time…" - Maya Angelou

8. You are/become what you eat and consume. (Food and written or digital content)

9. Entertaining "a waste of time" will waste your time, your resources, your emotions, and your life.

10. Time reveals all things, such as an individual's true character in times of crisis or enticement.

11. Know the spirits of the people in which you associate. 

12. Get comfortable saying "No". Not all things deserve a "Yes" especially if it causes you to settle for something you do not truly want.

13. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. 

14. People will come and go in life. Don't hold them hostage. Forgive, learn, and move forward. Get therapy if you need it.

15. Be as transparent as you possibly can in loving relationships or partnerships. If you're despised for who you truly are, your thoughts and beliefs, goals, etc it's ok. Respect yourself enough to let the person go. 

16. Accept that some people will not like you, and may even try to sabotage you but understand that it is more-so the spirit within them. Do not eat at their table nor from their plates.

17. Surround yourself with people who treat you with respect and kindness.

18. Forgive yourself and others.

19. Don't take every diagnosis to heart. Life happens. We all get sick sometime, but there's healing that takes place over time. There is healing for you. There is deliverance for you. There is grace for you.

20. Love yourself more. You are more than enough beautiful!. 🥰