Dear Beautiful 4:2

Dear Beautiful,

I finally understand why holidays are difficult for individuals who have lost loved ones. Though I lost my favorite grandmother (aka granny) and my great uncle around the age of 10 years old, then my biological father at the age of 25, this grief hits differently. I've been crying for the past few days and thought it was initially just female hormones, but when it began to arise randomly during simple conversations, reading, driving, cooking, eating, watching tv, around bedtime and rising, I finally realized that I am actually grieving the loss of a dream. 

From the moment that I arrived in Texas years ago, I began to plan, work, build my home, and invest in myself to be the wife that my future husband recognized and desired. I met men at the gym, during meetup group outings, and eventually Hinge. I mainly dated men that found me attractive, pursued me, put in the effort, and were financially stable enough to support a family. I was obviously trying to win in life - and I did have some wins… and some losses, too. 

Was God involved in my dating life? Ummmmm… I prayed before, during, and after dates. I consistently prayed for the men that I dated, especially the men that I genuinely loved and shared a close bond. Did I ask God? Yes - on some occasions. The answer was usually no. I never recall receiving a yes AND seeing the fruit thereof. The message was usually sent through a messenger - mentors, coworkers, pastors, leaders, close friends, brothers, etc. Therefore, I stopped asking after a while. I no longer wanted to hear the no. I simply wanted to experience love and relationship before I aged out - no matter the cost. I got to a place where I was willing to settle, because I was tired of waiting for "the promise," after witnessing sooooooo many singles doing the same thing in EVERY generation. 

Why are there billions of singles in the world today? Why are there countless Christians desiring marriage for decades but never marrying? Could it be because of unrealistic expectations - searching for the perfect partner that doesn't exist? Could it be over-spiritualization - expecting God to present the spouse while the other sits, waits, and does nothing at all? Could it be an unwillingness to compromise? Could it be fear or trauma? Could it be that some people just prefer being single? To each their own. 

One year ago, I was engaged to marry a pleasant man who promised to love and take care of me for the rest of our lives. He popped the question on Thanksgiving Day 2024 at his home, in the presence of our parents - talk about an unexpected holiday surprise!. Of course I said yes! 💍On Christmas Day 2024, I officially moved into the house at his request. I was sooooo ecstatic to start the married life with my soon-to-be husband… or so I thought. 

He wasn't perfect. Neither was I. He had numerous character flaws, but I chose to love Him in spite. I had anxiety issues, and he had a fatherly demeanor to calm me down and love me regardless. He had his share of demons that he tried to hide, but I saw them and I saw him, his heart. I didn't force him to go through deliverance, because I trusted God would deliver him when the time was right. Did I attempt to randomly cast them out years prior? Sure, but it didn't work and I can only assume it was because I, too, was in unrepentant sin at the time. Did I have my own inner demons? Absolutely, I believe that we all do. I also believe that we as believers have the authority over them and can bring them into subjection. 

While I could talk trash about my ex and ALL of the trauma he put me through over the years, I am choosing not to publicly partake in the temptation. My personal journals will remain silent and private for now as I continue to process this experience 😂. From my perspective, the good he has done over the years outweighs the bad. God may say otherwise, but His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. I have to take accountability - I chose to love my ex in spite of his flaws. He treated me better than most men I encountered. I chose to stick around - leave and return. I chose to forgive him over and over and accept that we made a mistake in our settling. I dragged my feet long enough with the actual wedding planning ( I wanted to elope vs host a ton of guests) and didn't rush into anything. I took baby steps, because something felt off and things were not crystal clear.

I attempted to leave 3 times for various reasons after moving in. I was convinced to stay, communicate, compromise, and work through it. Though I had my doubts, I loved that man and I didn't want to intentionally hurt him at all. I never received direct confirmation from God that we were to marry, and it bothered me. Of course there were churches preaching and prophets prophesying marriages, but I wanted a sure yes in my spirit to remove all doubt. I never got it. We both made compromises and worked through issues, but over time, we changed - our hearts changed and frustrations grew. Though we both believed in God, we were unequally yoked. It wasn't until months after the breakup that he informed me of his "ungodly allegiance," which made sense considering what I experienced, but it also made me uneasy to the point I could no longer trust him. 

It's funny how we want God to bless our mess that we've created. We're like children - we go out, play in the mud, get messy, bring home a dirty muddy toad that we found, ask our parents to clean it up and keep it as a pet, completely unaware of what the toad carries. As adults, we go out, live our lives doing what we please (usually ungodly things for most of us), meet someone, maybe get them to come to church with us IF we're going, and ask God to bless it. We are completely unaware of what is spiritually attached to the person. We are unaware of the gifts and callings that will be activated. We are unaware of who they were created and called to be in the kingdom and if we will actually fit in their lives and/or be compatible once it is finally revealed. I can imagine how God looks down at us sometimes like a father looks at his two-year old bossy toddler trying to instruct him how to color inside the lines of the picture correctly. 😂

I finally understand why holidays are difficult for individuals who have lost loved ones. If you’re experiencing this, I feel the pain too, so you're not alone. It hurts to the core, but we'll get through it. I'm grieving this holiday season, as I release the future I once believed would lead to a lasting marriage rooted in genuine love and care. I'm still healing. The wounds still hurt. Knowing how hard I loved and worked, how much of my time, energy, resources, and soul was put in to get to that point and having it ripped from very hands is disheartening. I'm grieving the loss of a dream, of creating new experiences and growing old with my man. I'm grieving the loss of working along-side my husband. I'm grieving the loss of a partner. I'm grieving the loss of a loved one, and this hurts deeply. 

Being able to write it, speak it, and release it is freeing, but all grief takes time. It comes in stages. Grief feels heavy and isolating, but it's a sign of the love and hope that truly mattered to us. Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to feel those emotions - every single emotion. Healing comes, but it takes time. Let the tears fall. I'm with you, and there are better days ahead.